I HAD MY FIRST TREATMENT

Good Evening my friends. I mistakenly posted this post on Susan's Hearts and Flowers. I went back to delete the post because I want that blog to be positive. I just want to thank every one for their support and prayers. You all mean so much to me that words can not express. I know that all your prayers and positive thoughts for me made the difference in my prognosis. You are greatly loved. I had my first radiation treatment today. I have such a vivid imagination, that I totally scare myself to death. I kept thinking a radiation beam would shoot me and it would be painful or burn me really bad. Of course these fears were irrational. The staff was very competent in letting me know that I would not feel anything. They were right. It was a piece of cake. The machine did all the work,I just had to lay there. I have had so many people look at my breast through this process. I told the technician today if one more person ask to see my breast " I was charging admission" Going through this journey has caused me to face my own mortality. The prognosis for me is very very good. The risk is low for the cancer to come back. The doctors have stated this to me. However, I have to admit, I still have my fears. Scriptures state that perfect love cast out fear. I pray for that perfect love and ask forgiveness because I am not there yet. I realized as I traveled this journey that I am not so much afraid of dying but of giving up this wonderful life I am living. The thought of not existing is very overwhelming to me. I know that God is in control. I know that he has walked every step of this journey with me, I have asked forgiveness for lack of faith and having this fear. You are all greatly loved Susan

Update on visit with Radiation clinic

Good Afternoon! This will be a brief update on my visit to the radiation clinic yesterday. It went well. For some reason in my mind I thought the process was going to be so much more complicated my first visit. I had a vision that I would be standing up, and they were going to mold my body into this thing and would be very uncomfortable. I do not know how I thought that is what she told me. The set up was very easy and I was very comfortable. I had to undress from the top down to my waist. I had to lie on a scanner my bottom was kind of lifted. My two arms were pulled back over my head and placed into these cuff like things. She scanned my body to set up the lasers so she could mark where the radiation would be directed. Then she marked my chest area with big black X's. Well the x's were on little round bandaid like things. She told me I could shower daily as usual but not to scrub the marks. The marks have to stay visible or she would have to "mold me again". I go for my first treatment December 26th. I will keep you updated on what happens there. God Bless the families of the Connecticut school. Just when we think we have it so bad, a tragedy happens to someone else and we see how truly blessed we are. May Gods light shine upon you and give you peace.

GOOD NEWS!!

HELLO MY FRIENDS. I KNOW WITH THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT ALL AROUND US, THE LAST THING WE WANT TO THINK ABOUT IS CANCER. THIS UPDATE IS GOOD NEWS. I MET WITH MY ONCOLOGIST TODAY TO FIND OUT THE RESULTS OF THE GENETIC TESTING. DR. GOLDBERG STATED THE TEST CAME BACK AS ME BEING A LOW RISK FOR THE CANCER TO COME BACK. THEREFORE, I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE CHEMOTHERAPY. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS THE RADIATION TREATMENTS. I WILL TAKE THAT ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. DR. GOLDBERG STATED THE TYPE OF CANCER I HAVE IS CAUSED BY ESTROGEN. I ASK HOW I COULD HAVE ANY ESTROGEN LEFT SINCE I HAD A COMPLETE HYSTERECTOMY YEARS AGO. HE SAID THAT ESTROGEN CAN BE PRODUCED IN OTHER PARTS OF THE BODY,LIKE THE ADRENAL GLANDS. I TOTALLY DID NOT KNOW THIS. I HAVE TO MEET WITH HIM EVERY THREE MONTHS FOR CHECK UPS. HE IS GOING TO START ME ON SOME HORMONES. EARLY TOMORROW MORNING I GO TO DR. BENNET'S OFFICE TO BE MEASURED AND MOLDED TO START MY RADIATION TREATMENTS. I JUST WANT ALL OF THIS DONE SO I CAN THINK ABOUT LIVING AGAIN VS THE ALTERNATIVE. I WILL CONTINUE TO KEEP THIS BLOG UPDATED ABOUT MY JOURNEY. I WILL LET EVERYONE KNOW HOW I DO WITH THE RADIATION. THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT WAS WHEN DR. GOLDBERG TOLD ME MY DAUGHTER WOULD HAVE AN AVERAGE CHANCE OF GETTING BREAST CANCER. THAT'S A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN HER BEING A HIGH RISK FROM SOMETHING HER MOTHER PASSED ON TO HER. I GIVE GOD ALL THE PRAISE FOR HAVING SOME CONTROL OVER THIS CANCER. I KNOW IT WAS BECAUSE OF THE PRAYERS OF ALL MY BLOGGING FRIENDS, AND MY COWORKERS, FAMILY AND FRIENDS. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND CONTINUE TO PRAY IF I MAY ASK THAT OF YOU. YOU ALL ARE A TRUE BLESSING TO ME.

Updeat

I went .to my oncologist  on Thursday. He is having some blood work sent for testing to see if I am a risk for the cancer returning.  If  it is determined I am a high to moderate risk for the cancer to return I will have to have chemotherapy. If it comes back as low risk of the cancer returning I will only have to have radiation.
I have been an emotional mess since being dx.  The nurse yesterday was getting some demographics and asking me alot of questions. She ask me the years my children were born, I could not tell her. I knew the day of their birth but could not for the sake me of me figure out the years.
The nurse and tech looked at each other like I was an awful person because I could not remember thier birth years. I tried to figure it out by their  ages, but when I saw the looks on the nurse and tech faces I was an emotional mess and could not answer anything.
 The nurse took me back to the exam room. When she closed the door I broke down in tears. The doctor came in the room and ask me what was wrong. I garbled out I don't remembeed r my children's birth years.  Needless to say he wrote me a script to treat the stress.
I am sure I overreacted or misread the nurse and the tech looking at each other. Brerut it had been and extremely stressful day at work.

Update

To day was my appointment with the radiologist/oncologist. My treatments start in about four to six weeks, I first get a cat scan and then they determine a treatment plan. I know that I will be getting treatment everyday for five weeks on the whole breast and one week on just the site of the lumpectomy.
I go to my Oncologist tomorrow and he will then let me know if I have to chemotherapy. The doctor today seemed to think because of my age and the type of cancer I would proably need chemotherapy as well.  But I will find out more tomorrow. I know there is a specific test which I could not even begin to spell they have to do.
Any way, please continue to remember me in prayer. I feel so blessed to be able to share my journey with you.

Good News!

Good News! I met with my surgeon today. He stated my lymph nodes are clear, no cancer. The next step to this journey is to meet with the oncologist to hear what his recommendations are for my treatment. The cancer that was removed was only one centimeter. Stage 1. If I have to have cancer, I will take this any day.

Update on my Journey

Good Afternoon! I decided I was feeling well enough to update you on the progress of my journey. Firstly however I need to make a disclaimer I have received some feedback about me doing this blog. " your just trying to get sympathy "your not the only woman to have breast cancer" I just want to say, if you don't want to hear about my journey then go visit another blog or don't read my story. I am not trying to bring anyone down, or to gain sympathy, everyone has a story. I am doing this as a way for me to heal. By processing my journey on this blog it makes the journey a little less lonely. I also it will help make someone else who is going through a similar journey feel less alone. Now the Update I went for my pre operation testing last Friday and my Surgery was this past Monday. The surgery went well without complications. I was at the hospital by 7:30 am to start my pre admission process. The first step was to go to the radiology department where they injected my breast with radioactive dye. The technician explained the process. He stated the doctor would give me a local anesthetic to numb the area before he injected the dye. He did , this was the first needle involved for the day. Then he explained that when the doctor injected the dye it would burn. It did. He stated the burning was caused by the fat being separated from the other tissue. To the best of my knowledge, the purpose of the dye injection was to provide my surgeon a map to my lymph nodes. After the dye was injected, I was then transported by my hubby to the woman's center for a mammogram. They proceeded to squash my already sore breast like a pancake. Because I am a member of the itty bitty tittie committee, they had a hard time doing the mammogram. The second part to the mammogram was to once again use a needle to numb my breast just to insert another more permanent needle. Once this needle was inserted it stayed there and I was transported back to the hospital, with a Styrofoam cup over the needle that was inserted into my breast. I was then taken back to radiolgy where the technician spent about an hour taking pictures of the needle attached. I was then transported back to the pre surgery room where the heart monitor and the oxygen finger thing was attached. They also inserted an iv which again was another needle stick. I waited to be rolled back for my surgery. I waited and waited for about four hours with this needle in my breast. The nurse finally told me I had missed my surgery time because the previous processes took so long. The doctor came in also and told me he had an emergency he had to help with which also delayed my surgery. Finally I was taken back to the surgery room. The only thing I remember there was they put me on a table and told me they were giving me medication. I was gone. I came through the surgery just fine. The problem I had was waking up from the anesthesia. That took me about three or four hours per my husbands report. I always have difficulty waking up after surgery so this was no surprise. The doctor came in and talked to me. He stated he has removed some parts of the lymph nodes or the whole node I do not know for sure. He stated the hospital testing did not indicate any cancer in the lymph nodes, They are sending it out to another lab for her testing to be sure. He stated he made sure he got a large area around the cancer and the cancer itself. He allowed me to come home since he did not have to place a drain. I came home to recover. I did not go back to work until this morning. That was a mistake. I had to leave by noon because I was just not doing well at all. A lot of pain and still very weak. I go back to see him on November 5 th. I will get the results of the other test of the lymph nodes. He does not think there is anything to worry about, he just wanted to be sure. I guess I will learn the next step to this journey then. I tell you my friends, I have been truly blessed. This could have been so much more worse. I have a sweet doctor who I work with that is now probably going to die from this terrible disease. She has a very aggressive kind and really giving the battle of her life. You probably noticed the rainbow in the photo above. This photo was taken that Friday that I did my pre admission work. I went to work that morning and this is what I saw as I got out of my car. Rainbows and lets me know he is walking this journey with me. Continue to pray for me and every woman who is suffering from this disease.

Good News- Praising God

I went for my follow up with Dr. Nicholson today. I did get good news if any form of cancer can be good news. The other two masses are benign..........Praising God and Jumping all around! He will be doing the lumpectomy next Monday the 29th. He said I would have two incisions one where the lumps are and the other is under my arm to check the lymph nodes. If the lymph nodes are clear, I will just need radiation. Which will follow sometime after I heal from the lumpectomy. There is still a chance the cancer could be in my lymph nodes, but I am praying for the best. I may have to stay in the hospital one night if he has to put in a drain. I will take this news any day!! I should have had more faith. I hold a strong belief that God talks to me through rainbows. Every crisis in my life if things turned out good, rainbows would show up everywhere, I ask for a double rainbow one time and he provided that. This week I was walking a patient down the hall yesterday and one of the doctors came out of her office. She handed me two booklets just out of the blue. She did not explain why or what they were. I just took them back to my office. The one was an inspirational calendar filled with rainbows and healing scriptures. The other booklet was filled with healing quotes and inspriation. The first page of that book had a picture of a big bright rainbow. Sunday afternoon, the sun was shining through our sun room window. I have a crystal picture frame setting on my bookcase. When the sun hit that there were rainbows all over my sunroom and into my family room. This has never happened before. I know some you will say that this is silly, but I have seen this happened all my life when troubles came and the outcome was going to be good or not as bad as I thought. I am praising and thanking God for my rainbows!!

Update on Pink Ribbon.

Today I went back for the second ultrasound. This one was on the right side of my right breast. The ultra sound showed two small masses. Given that I had a cancerous growth on the other side, they biopsied these today. They found one that the MRI did not show. I was somewhat more relaxed today because I knew what to expect. However the pain level was greater. This was because of my breast still being tender from the first biopsy. No one told me not to take my aspirin 81 before this procedure. The doctor was going to postpone my biopsy for five day because the chance of more bleeding. My reply to the doctor was,oh heck no, its going to be done today. I told him I would sign whatever I needed, but I wanted it done today. I did not have to sign anything, I think he felt sorry for me because I was crying my eyes out. The funny thing was I hardly bled at all. The nurse that assisted the doctor, was the nurse who assisted me before. The doctor was different. The little intern was there and a different female nurse. The nurse told the doctor that I was very anxious and would tense up. It was also funny, he told the Dr. you need to be kind to her. The staff were wonderful!! But again I wait. I see Dr.Nicholson next week on Wednesday. He will tell me the results of this biopsy and what is next with my journey.

MRI Results

Good afternoon my friends! Today started out to be a normal day filled with anticipation of what my results would show. Overall I have been handling this breast cancer diagnosis pretty well. I went to work this am like I always do. This morning I stopped by my supervisors office to take him an assessment. He ask me when I was going to fill out my Family Medical Leave forms. I felt no compassion from him, it was all business. I explained I still had personal leave left and when I had almost used that up I would complete the form now. I have been a good employee, I have always gotten super exceeds on all my evaluations. I supervised a team my self until my sarcoidiosis took all my strength. So for him to ask where I was from a business perspective only threw me for a loop. Once again in the scheme of things I am just a number. I prayed on my way home today for me to not judge him. That he had to think only of the business end of it all. I ask God for forgiveness for thinking so selfishly, that it should be all about me. I took a nap before my appointment while waiting for hubby to get home from golf. When he came home we drove to Dr. Nicholson's office. I signed in and again we waited. We did not have to wait very long however , the nurse called us back to the exam room. Once again on goes the little blue cape. My hubby was in the exam room with me, he has been a great support for me. Again we waited. Dr. Nicholson's came in and did the same exam as the last time, ask me some similar questions with a little twist to them. He finally started telling me the results of the MRI. 1. He said that the MRI showed another tumor , lump or whatever just above the cancer that was biopsied. 2. He said it also showed another tumor (whatever) at about 3:00 o'clock that looked suspicious. He said it was just above the mass that showed on the mamaogram that had not changed over the year. 3. He said I could choose to just go ahead and have a full mastectomy. But he suggested I not make that decision just yet. 4. He wants to have a biopsy done on the 3:00 mass. If that shows cancer he said there would be no choice but to have a mastectomy. 5. So again I wait. I am scheduled for another ultra sound on October 19th.Then they will schedule the biopsy. So again I wait. I am trying to be strong, I really am, but admittedly it is getting harder. I don't want to be selfish and think only of me. I want to be strong for my family. I ask that you pray for me, that I maintain control over my emotions for my family and friends sake.

My Story Begins!

Chapter 1. How it all started! The evening my journey started was a normal evening for me. It was a Friday night, my husband had gone to bed early. I was sitting on the sofa and watching television and playing on the lap top. All of a sudden I developed a sudden pain in my right breast. It hurt me all that night. The next day I was in so much pain, I could not walk without it hurting. It hurt me the whole weekend. On Monday morning I decided I would call my primary care doctor and have him make a referral for a mammogram. He sent me on the next Thursday. The pain had left after four days or so I thought. I screamed out in horror when the techie lifted my breast to the imaging plate. Even so, the mammogram was done. So I was told to get dressed and wait in this small room. The doctor came in and told me he did not know what was causing the pain. He did not see any changes in my breast since the last mammogram. He said I had a small mass on the underneath of my right breast but he did not show any changes. He told me he wanted to do an ultra sound to attempt to find out if there was anything else going on in the breast. So once again I undress from the top and put on the gray gown. The technician did the ultra sound. Then, she left the room and came back with the doctor. At that time the doctor told me that he found a mass on left side of my right breast. He stated it was near the lung and that was why he could not see it on the mammogram. He told me I would need a biopsy. He then said most breast lumps were benign and it was most likely fibroid material. I was not worried as I had already had a biopsy on my left breast that turned out to be benign. He wanted to do at that facility but I wanted the surgeon who had performed my surgery when I had colon cancer. So the social worker called my family doctor to have him make the referral. Once again I waited for the next step. Day 2 The next day I received a call from Dr. McIver. I knew he was worried as he never calls me directly, his nurse always is the one to contact me. He was very kind and sweet to me. He told me he wanted to refer me to a "breast specialist". Oh boy did the alarms start ringing for me! He told me this doctor was a person he would refer his mother for treatment. My appointment would be for that next Tuesday. I was to pick up my CD of my mammogram and ultra sound and take it with me when I saw Dr. Nicholson. So again I wait. Day 3. Tuesday arrived and my husband and I drove to see the specialist. In that room once again I undress the top part of my body. I wrap my self in this paper cape that opens in the front. Dr. Nicholson turned out to be a very sweet man, with and awesome bedside manner. He did a through exam of my breast and checked to make sure no lymph nodes were swollen. He then told me that based on the report from the Diagnostic Center, I needed a biopsy done on my right breast. He stated that would be the only way to make sure there was no cancer. He finished the exam and had the girl at the front desk schedule me for a biopsy at the hospital. I was told it would be an outpatient procedure. It was scheduled for that next Tuesday. So again I wait. Day 4: My husband drove me to what we thought was the building the surgery would be done. It turned out to be the wrong place. I did not think I was concerned about the procedure at all, because I had been through it before. However it must have been on my mind more than I thought. I walked up to the desk to let the receptionist know I was there for my procedure. While waiting for the girl to come back to her desk, I was standing there and I became really nauseated and I felt faint. I really thought I would faint. Finally she came to the desk and I told her why I was there. She informed me I was at the wrong building and my name was not on the list. I became really upset and threw my hands in the air and said "WHAT EVER!". My husband came over and the girl explained where the building was that she thought I was to be. As we were walking out of the building my husband said, Honey, this is not you to get upset at someone for something that was not her fault. When I got in the car I was overcome with guilt about the way I had acted. I told me husband I wanted to go back and apologize to the girl. He said you can do after the procedure. We found the building and I signed in to be next in line. Again I waited. I was called back to the waiting room. The nurse came and once again told me to get undressed from the top down. I once again wrapped a blue cape around the top part of my body. The nurse took all the necessary history and then I was directed to lay on the table. The nurse explained to me what would happen. The more he explained the more anxious I became. By the time the doctor came in to perform the procedure I was a nervous wreck. It took one nurse to hold my left arm and the male nurse held my right arm back over my head. The doctor who was a cutie I must say, explained the procedure once again. He demonstrated the clicking noise that the instrument would make when he was clipping the tissue to be sent to pathology. I told him that was the best thing he could have done. If he had not explained that part I would have jumped off the table when I heard the noise. From then on , it was gruesome for me. The long needle was very painful in my soft tissue. It hurt me really bad. The doctor was very patient with me, and so were the nurses, but did I ever give them a work out. There was an intern in the room as well. The male nurse ask her how many centimeters the image was ( I assumed he was talking about the size of the mass) The little intern said 4 centimeters. The nurse told her she was going to have to work on her guesser it was 5 centimeters. Finally it was over, and the doctor told me, that Dr. Nicholson would have the results at my follow up appointment next Tuesday. So again I waited. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. My breast was so sore from the procedure. I was not allowed to lift anything. Saturday, I thought I was okay and healed enough that I could go shopping. However after shopping in Kirkland's and Ross. I made and attempt to go to Marshall's. I got so sick in Marshall's I had to leave. I thought I was going to have to call my hubbie to come take me home. I sat in my SUV for a while and then I felt better to drive home. Day 5: Tuesday finally arrived and I went to my follow up with Dr. Nicholson. Once again I was told to undress to my waist. Once again on goes the blue cape. Dr. Nicholson comes into the room with his nurse. My sweet hubbie is there with me as well. The doctor once again does the same exam he did the first time I saw him. I kept looking at my husband wondering when he was going to tell me the results of the biopsy. I knew I was in trouble when he asked me where I worked. I told him then he broke the news. He told me the biopsy showed there was cancer. He stated I would need to make a choice of either a mastectomy or lumpectomy with radiation treatments. I broke into tears at that point and did not hear another word he said. Thank God my husband was my ears and listened to what the doctor was saying. The doctor stated however he wanted to make sure the other lump in my breast was not cancerous or showed signs of being cancer. He wanted to send me for a MRI to see if the cancer had spread any deeper than what was showing on the ultra sound. He said he would know more then, I could make a decision at that time. He gave me a booklet on breast cancer, and the nurse scheduled the MRI. Again I waited. I cried all evening, and way into the night. I had read the book Dr. Nicholson had given me, it stated a 5 centimeter mass was stage 3 cancer. I told my husband I was going to die and I cried and cried. My husband ask why I was so upset, and I told him the nurse in the biopsy room said my mass was 5 centimeters and I showed him what the book said. He then stated he thought Dr. Nicholson had told me it was 1 centimeter. So the next day he called the nurse back and ask her. She told him the five centimeters was from the nipple to the mass, The mass itself was only one centimeter. My husband called me at work and told me the good news. I was so relieved that the mass was much smaller than what I first thought. Again I waited Day 6: The MRI: I presented to imaging center for my MRI. Once again I waited in the waiting area only to be escorted to a smaller waiting area. The nurse finally came and once again I was told to undress, this time everything but my panties. I was given a hospital gown told to have it open in the front. An IV was then placed in my arm. I was then escorted to the MRI machine. I was told to lay face down with my face in a holder. My breast were hanging down in two holes. The whole procedure took 30 minutes. There was one part in the procedure that me with my vivid imagination, I freaked myself out. It sounded like a chain saw buzzing and I had visions of a saw cutting me into sections. I laughed at myself when I told the nurse after the procedure. My husband was waiting on my in the waiting room. After I got dressed we were driving home. He called my daughter to let her know, that I had the MRI. She had been joking about me having small breast the night before. He told her "Melissa, honey, I heard the nurses in the back saying " where are they I can't find them". I tell you between my daughter and my husband making fun of my breast size, that sure helped me through the next few days. But again I wait. I go back to See Dr. Nicholson next Thursday. I will then know what the next step is for me. I will keep you posted about my journey with the Pink Ribbon.